I want this to be a narrative about Our attachment as humans based on what I wrote about on 2024-12-29.

It incorporates our storytelling brains and the The Self Archetype moving between The two definitions of Self in a Jungian sense are Our autonomous processes that take care of us (Self) & our internal narratives (Identity)*

Questions to Explore

• I want to explore the idea of moving from one identity to another. Transformation. with each theme
• This one feeling about feeling isolated &
• What is the process of Self Actualisation / Integration
• Why is it important personally
• Why is it important collectively
• How do ADHD and Addiction manifest as two opposing forces to transformation pulling the mind into thought or action patterns that subvert intention.
• Distraction is a key component of both.

Character Arc :

• Needs to step out into the external chaos and deal with the internal and its anxiety in order to take advantage of the opportunity that web enables to share their work & connect the external world.
• Because their Mission is to help others.

Narrative Scrapbook

• "I remember when you're name meant something round these parts. Now it doesn't mean a thing. You don't even exist" - line from a film (pig) relevant to Scene (Time Blindness) & especially Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

Blogs & Scenes

Podcasts & Events

TABLE

FROM #output/event and  Deprojection 01. Identity & Isolation
SORT file ASCENDING

Notes from Innerstatic

• 2023-10-23 - Reflection when relationships get challenging and our identity & isolation challenges

  • I felt pretty good this morning - pyn apologised and we hugged - yesterday was difficult for her - she flew off handle after i put the hose not under the 12litre water carrier. That was it for the rest of the day - i didn't respond and gave her a couple of hugs.
    • Then i went for my morning jog and she missed the train as i didn't take key. I meditated - we apologised and i asked her to let me know if she's going out on unusual days.
    • She needed to be heard and said all the things that needed to be done. The trains being cancelled because of the storm clearly had an impact. The worry of missing the tablets being a main cause. And projects deadlines made more difficult with jo's partner having cancer treatment. It was all angry tone but needing to be heard. So i didn't say anything.
    • I went back in looking for my phone and she said she didn't know what to do today now. I suggested she should just get the next one. And had the idea prescriptions could be sent to warwick to save her doing two long journeys to brum. Its not possible as its been made up, etc, i've got my ventolin sent same day to a different chemist - if its in stock - other people will use yours - worth a call.
      • That set everything off again, now i've put that in her head. I got triggered by that and went off. This isnt working i thought outloud- day 3 of the same behaviour - no real attempt to want to work things out - and every exchange this outburst of blame & reset, but then its nothing to do with you. Truth is - it is - and its to do with you - the events are the events - everything else is us.
      • Anyway i regret saying that last bit out loud as that's another thing she's now got in her head - which i didnt respond well to either - after being told to zip it just before i said that.
        • This silencing by Pyn, through behaviour, not just words - feels the same as it is from Trey & by the kids & adults who exclude. Its partly feels like them all wanting acceptance and a real empathy for their situation from me, whilst wanting me to be or act a certain way, but not demonstrating the same respect, or empathy to do the same. With Pyn it seems normally directly related to hormones, & trey likely too. Kids are kids. But in the same way i'd learn to not share my input with my dad - because it would generally be criticised in his trying to be helpful or just doing it himself way - it all leads to a similar learned behaviour of not feeling I'm allowed to express. Because i'll set someone off - or on the other end of the scale, that it's not going to be good enough, or im not enough - there's all this something that i just don't get, and no-one's going to tell me - and if i speak up about it - it'll set them off with their defensiveness - which I'm really aware of before any challenging conversations.
          • And so it's no wonder why people hide behind their screens. Or why more than 700,000 people die from suicide every year globally.
            • Of course a huge factor is economic & life factors - mental health is a much more western thing i assume.
            • The world health organisation reports that - While the link between suicide and mental disorders (in particular, depression and alcohol use disorders) and a previous suicide attempt is well established in high-income countries, many suicides happen impulsively in moments of crisis with a breakdown in the ability to deal with life stresses, such as financial problems, relationship break-up or chronic pain and illness.
            • In addition, experiencing conflict, disaster, violence, abuse, or loss and a sense of isolation are strongly associated with suicidal behaviour. Suicide rates are also high amongst vulnerable groups who experience discrimination, such as refugees and migrants; indigenous peoples; lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex persons; and prisoners.
      • An interesting thought on these relating to identity - is how projections & perceptions are put externally on these groups - which ties them into feeling viewed & treated.a certain way - Identity being forced on them. Juxta pose with the self identity that is a lot more common, especially among young people - gender identification specifically which can morph if allowed - and not specified to be absolute. Once someone one has made a statement - then they feel compelled to be as true to that as possible, which can lead to suffering like any label we live by.

• 2023-10-13 - Scrapbook sketch theme ideas
  R : We are with you You are not unique in this struggle
  MACHINE

  • I’m 40 mental health on the rise
  • We have scientific causes of 9 causes - 2 are biochemical
  • If we allow depression & anxiety from biology to be the whole story - then it means your pain doesn’t mean anything - just a glitch in the program - depression is a signal
  • Pharmacy industry is not interested in drug you take once
  • Mental healthcare is broken in this country
  • We live in a machine that designed to neglect
  • There’s a lot of reductive science - not a lot of room for talking about experience
  • Our ancestors evolved to band together - we are the first to disband our tribes
  • We live in a machine that designed to neglect our psychological needs
  • 10,000s of people screaming desperation working long hard hours for things they dont want
  • Mr Nicholls - take out drink - and some of the ghost poet - introduce later

  R : We can see those thoughts for what they are through meditation or NLP practices

  IDENTIFICATION

  • Every day you ever lived has passed
  • Our attachment is created by the narratives that run inside our minds
  • We identify with these as who & what we are
  • But all that passes by if you let it.
  • And we can live more fully, more alive because we are open to the moment
  • Using psychedelics to deal with depression & anxiety & addiction
  • Depression anxiety is rigidity in brain - addiction often goes to together
  • pschedelic probe into understanding the mind
  • MEMORY
  • the storytelling narrative is what makes us different from animals - let it chatter but then ignore it < be mindful that this is applicable to those of us without severe trauma - which requires real therapy because of how buried it is
  • What are you afraid of what
  • NLP
  • You really want to work with that anxiety - ask it questions
  • The audio & video engineer playlist may be your parents or someone else
  • You can make that video black and white - & zoom it out - You can change the audio - by tagging it
  • You can reduce thought patterns by all being characters & thanking them

  +/Meditation PRACTICE

  • Monks showing how meditation changes the biochemical of the brain through deep practice
  • Practice of breathe from joe rogan - outside world telling you what you are & inside world

• 2023-09-19 - Reflection & Scene

  • Reflection
    • When i awoke this morning, it all felt meaningless, all the projects that i've been working on or towards, all the potential, all the assetts i've been building, even our home, our relationship, and the intense loneliness i feel, nothing gave me the spark to want to do anything about them, either feeling a huge increasing overwhelm, intense anxiety, or just being adrift, from any sense of my self, whether the narrative person ego self, or the non - dual real self. I couldnt think of a single person to speak to, even though i know there would be a handful of them out there. The only people that come to mind are the ones who are never there, too busy, too much shit going on, but then thats going into blame & victim bs, which is the little ego side. i know, or people who i can talk too, but are really struggling with their own addiction. Calling a professional my mind says you aren't ready, but that's bs too. I was hiding before because i wasnt ready to let my addiction go. But i am now, as i feel i've hit rock bottom a few times internally recently, and it's too much, but i don't know why i still feel such intense resistance, and hold onto to this lifelong approach of having to do it on my own. This is something to do with my early trauma - which deserves reflection. And it does help with the intensity of the ADHD energy, even though time and time again, that side is always a direct line back in to the pattern. That and my project / framework design, which leaves me feeling more like the character in pi, the more time goes on & a deep concern im wasting my time.
    • But then i wrote in this system, and because of the framework, it's not just going to be a journal entry i never refer to again, but one that i can link to a creative output (scene & blog post), a shadow / self development aspiration & link research & ideas like the one in the same note to it. And that's really what i wanted to create, because i can help myself with it, & if others used it, i believe they can too. It can be completely designed for their own shadows. & the content created if they fall into the 3 artist roles, or just a written reflection like the one above, all can be used to create content
  • Looking at creating a DEPROJECTION BROADCAST & EVENTS scene from this reflection process
    • It's taken me 15 mins to reflect on a mentor / source & 15 mins to reflect on my current experience.
    • I can load ableton, with an instrument and start to layer sound to express any of the emotion adjectives i mentioned.
    • Then i can pick a word, or phrase, and record that in, and play with it with effect
    • And another to create a conflict
    • Then in canvas, add some cards to get from a to b then to c.
    • A to B, maybe Meaningless to Isolation, - whats the point of getting in touch when i am in this state. Can't see above the fog.
      • Asking chatgpt to write 50 different lines to express the intense deep depression of the feeling of 'Whats the point' produces a poem - which is ok, nothing like kate tempest or anything but produces some imagery.
      • This imagery is useful for producing a visual.
      • The words really need to come from a narrator. My words and chat gpts are really basic. Thats not our artform. But i have a vast library, and the internet to find lines, and i know people, and can find people.
      • There is a big difference between a line that works narratively, and one that is just a word. Its important i only use good lines.
    • And my narrative library is a great starting point to bring ideas and insights into my ideaverse, into a canvas, and then start connecting them up in a theme. The theme is that - whats the point - & by the nature of how i've built this & how searchable things are, it will uncover connections no human or chatbot could achieve, because of my system.
    • So a session purely doing this is as good as doing it with my sources. Especially with a scene canvas open & shifting from hat to hat. Thats a good narrative session.
      • Also seems good to have the outputs open, so if i get a blog idea, then it goes into a note. Easy to create on the fly though. This connection - of reflection, research, scenes, blog is a strong model for content creation. And one you can get started now.

• 2023-07-28 - My top level thing i feel is important in the world is shadow work.

  • Ali thinks she is doing that (from my perspective from that exchange). But really she is just going deeper into a victim identity. It seems the gas lighting and the sole focus on her own 'healing' is not confronting something much deeper. And seeing it play out and get stronger, rather than more transcendent as is constantly claimed is concerning.
  • The other character is trey who's identity is keeping him from any actual connection with his family and like Ali doing the exact projection of what they are both protecting theirselves from.
  • So this attachment to identity, where there is trauma with a big or little t, is incredibly damaging to the relationships in our society, where there is nothing but love and support shown.
  • This has been very eye opening and makes me feel i am on the right path pursuing this as an artistic focus. I can't say outright to these identities without triggering some resent and there is so much i can;t see without some form of human interaction over and above their whatsapp communication preference, but i do feeel art combined with a vocal can go beyond the literal and stifling.

• 2023-06-02 - Jayasara True Self & a lot of interesting thoughts about this them which need unpacking

  • The mind is not there when you are asleep and not dreaming. But you still exist. This you cannot deny
  • Through meditation practice you can come to learn that your little self, and the identity you believe is you from your mind is not there, and has never been.
  • Like the rope that looks like a snake. If we believe it's a snake we will try and think of all sorts of things to get rid of it. But if we know it's never been a snake, that all falls away.
  • [!] My issue that came up was the notion of getting rid of the mind. I recalled the interview sample from Lewis Howes with Indian mystic whos mind was always empty. As something to practice to this seems possible. But getting rid of the mind as if it never existed makes no sense as it's the concept that we use to describe the place of where our thinking happens. Rather than the brain which may be too complex.
  • [?] Why don't we use the brain to describe the place of thinking instead of the mind & does the mind physically exist.
  • But then she said the line about not believing in the identity of the minds thoughts. Rather than the mind itself. That we are the consciousness awareness and can therefore let these thoughts pass as we become aware of them.
    • If this can be verified in any 24 hour period (i think it takes longer than that aside from the sleep point) by any human being - then does that prove that we are not that idea we have of ourselves in our mind,
      • I and it seems all the spiritual traditions & practitioners would say it does.
    • And if it's becomes evident that we can play a role for an hour, a day, a year, a lifetime, and these can be positive, or negative or neither, but they are just roles that we inhabit, like parent, teacher, man, woman, friend, like the archetypes, hero, trickster, etc, and all these can be useful if used skillfully and with benevolance, then what is left beyond them when we do sit quietly and see beyond the mind's production.
      • Is this space, just the pure consciousness (which i know takes some practice, or decent hallucinogenic experience) what we 'are'
        • If it is, and we can have all the other stuff (roles, imagination) as well, and everyone else can - as long as they are benevolent in their intent, and agree to work on their own shadow, and becoming more integrated, then does this alleviate the suffering / dukkha that we face, and does it make us more able to deal with the 10,000 sorrows & 10,000 joys of this life, whatever life situation we find ourselves in.
          • Because to me, thats all this teaching is supposed to do. But that is massive when i look at myself, my society, my friends & family, And our current existential challenges of climate & ai, and how the majority of people can now understand the spectrum of mental health, with id guess most of them having some experience of it
        • [?] With the advent of AI this idea of what conciousness is is even more interesting, and all of this is what i want to explore in the themes - Deprojection 03. Web & AI connects to Deprojection 01. Identity & Isolation
          • through writing, like this, and editing, discussion with others on forum, and creative expression of some of the key 'bits'
  • As a side note - the work required to do this - a spiritual practice & meditation reminds me of a meme process that Carla posted yesterday
    • 'Before could manage my emotions I had to accept my emotions. Before acceptance I had to identify. Before identifying I had to acknowledge. Before acknowledging I had to be honest with myself. And this took work'
      • which because it doesnt mention any of the trigger words above (buddhism, spirituality, self, etc) gets through to people in the same way therapy does.
        • As Nick Milo said - its about coming up with concepts - so that we can share ideas.
        • [?] I also want to ask myself what is the reason for me to write about concepts when others like Jack Kornfield do such a good job on it? And this links back to my question of what is my one thing for Marc Reck -
          • [*] which i'll explore on a canvas now 11am
  • It bought to mind 2 other things.
    • How this relates to a trans gender dysphoria issue. It wouldn't change the fact that some men want to be / feel they are women and vica versa and they should be free to do that. But it would be reframe it the same as it would for any of us. So it would just be this is what I want to be. I feel I would be a lot happier like this. Rather than it needing to be a whole I've wanted to be this all my life and now I finally feel free. Because the challenge with that trope is that how does it alleviate the suffering (in Buddhist terms) that we all face. And from my personal perspective, of being cut off from my only sibling as he is so focused on being this image, and how much of an impact it has on me and our parents just in the fact of how little communication or attention he has since offered.
    • It comes back to truth, and from my perspective (which is very limited I know - in part because of the lack of said communication) i wonder if just saying I've always wanted to be this, Its fuckin scary, I can be a lot more physically stronger now with the testosterone and I know it'll be weird for people who know me but I will be a lot happier and I hope you can support me and I'll do what I can to support you, as this doesn't change our relationship. To me that would seem a lot more just dealing with what is, rather than creating a narrative around it. Because then that narrative has to be written, expressed, defended, and seems to be the main cause for shutting us out. Certainly me, to a large extent mom, and a lesser extent dad who he calls on mobile so mom doesn't answer. I speculate with seeing Emma responded to me and mom and dad at Xmas times how much influence she has on this situation but I can't know or find that out.
  • Back to narrative just to finish as it's 8.38 now. Practicing not believing in the narrative of ourself that our minds create, and still using all the useful parts about it in our western society is very liberating as it allows me / one to both accept others as that's what they want to do, and express what I like, want, need as just that, rather than it indicating anything fundamental about me.
  • A sexual preference which is kinky / non vanilla, being more in touch with parts of yourself that are not the stereotype, having wild imaginations and a spontaneous personality, not being able to come to terms with something. All these and millions of other quirks and thoughts and traits that humans have and have had, they all are just things they like, don't like, but are not fixed and are not them/us.
  • And IF we as a species practice know this, then it allows for us to feel, express, and explore the real magic of the full spectrum of what it is to be human. And that to me is what Buddhism teachings certainly in the triatna form is primarily designed to do.
  • To close my mission aside from learning and practicing this notion myself. Is to make it more palleatable to a wider audience who wouldn't be attracted to the dharma, or the Mitra course even. Because it mentions Buddhism. And that to most is like saying god. Or belief in something not real. And to most, everyday is real. Bills, work, kids, weekends, and social media, all that is real.
  • And the first challenge we face in this journey is that every time we pick up our phone or any device we activate our mind. Even a pen and paper. A phone and apps are just a magic carpet to illusion. But these tools can be so useful. Look what I'm writing. This is useful to me and I think it will form the seed to be useful to others. Thats for me and (as my dream showed me this morning) my collaborators to work out how.
  • Then I read this https://tricycle.org/magazine/no-self-or-true-self/ from @Jack Kornfield from his book. So concise.

• 2023-06-01 - Dictation after run

  • You know thing where so just been I've been in a dark place pretty much on and off for a couple of years really for you have at least are you sort of for yourself up don't you so there's no transference to other people people that you love but yeah spending lots and lots of time on your own and also falling into drinking heavily in the evenings and all the anxiety and worried that causes when you're having twice the amount of recommended units of a day and week units day and this is the kind of a thought that pops up into my head and I think now I'm post this I can let people know what's going on and then as soon as I start to speak it out it's like you have so much I'm grateful for so much joy not joy I wouldn't say although I'm having moments of joy since stuffing drinking and this joy before I drink I don't start thinking about that too much because triggers and what not but yeah I mean I'm running I'm just run for you know almost 7 minutes and which is good my lungs and stuff and just about to go and do my press ups trying to be everything per day but yesterday 7 1/2 minutes and then 20 minutes meditation and then hopefully finalising the system I've been building for a long time to manage my ADHD and these massive projects you know talking thousands and thousands of files and hundreds of inputs which I keep adding prices and each employer has like you know two to 30 parts that they need work and this is before I actually do any work on the actual music or visual. And that was the train of thought

• 2023-05-26 - Dictated thoughts related to this

  • I think one of the most important things we can do with each other I know a lot of people say it's about men's life is to check in with each other even if it's just like a little how you doing and when I think about this my own response when I'm feeling like so depressed and it's the same when I am hungover from addiction you feel shame in both of those days you've got to f****** your head you've got a partner you've got friends you've got people who love you you've got family you know there is no issue other than issues but the other thing is when I think about reaching out to other people if I think about reaching out to just close friends but those close friends are just people that really I've started being contact with again and there's so many people I think of as friends and I'm just wondering who might actually appreciate that like having a dialogue because I'm not really someone who's interested in knowing I'm interested thank you stuff and human conditions and all that sort of business and art creativity philosophy psychology all that sort of stuff that's what I really really really interested in society you know and things like AI and development and future past anything really but on that kind of thing you know like more deeper source stuff rather than did you see that TV program or whatever so high regard as in friendship wise oh just would really appreciate someone checking in meaningfully we've got a kind of know each other a bit like obviously not someone who I don't know very well at all like if we have spent you know sometime together on dance floors for example then that's that's that's a friend to me you know I mean if we've been chatting then you're a friend and I'll show up for you if you someone thinks I'm a bit of a t*** or annoying or I've got activ for some reason then if you think I can't or I've been a prick and you holding that grudge against me like it's got a kind of a good driver then oh people have their own s*** and maybe that was part of it but if you if I did something I definitely want to know about that and I'd like you to tell me in a really nice why if it's possible but if you then and you're so f****** hateful towards me then I'm not actually sure why we would be connected anymore but I really can't think of anything one night that and but I definitely will have that conversation with you if it's something I did when I was high or strong or something then I was a pretty happy and I love people but I did anything I really want to know about it and I'll just apologise but for a few sleep because I know our impacting things can be and yeah but there's people out there that have done stuff to me or said stuff or acted in a certain way and I certainly do not feel any any ounce of resentment or hate towards you because there's a hundred reasons I can think of and I'm quite an empathetic person I'm very I'm very empathetic to be honest with you I will always look for what could be their reason for doing this thing and nine times out of 10 there's some s*** going on it doesn't have to be f****** you know child abuse to be f****** hugely manifesting you know you know your trauma whatever it is when you're younger you know How you got treated at school How you how your parents were able to bring you up or not able to bring you up all that hugely impacting in your formative years and by no means an expert in psychology very very not far off it but I've learnt a lot about trauma and about psychology and about development or stages and yeah anyway that was supposed to be a short run